"Physician, heal thyself."

I spent the last two days having skin cancer removed. It turned out to be a bigger deal than I had hoped, meaning they had to remove and repair a bigger portion of skin than I imagined.

While I was sitting in the waiting room at the fancy plastic surgeons' office, where I had been sent by my dermatologist, staring at eyelash-extension and skin cream posters, I was among many women who I believe were there for strictly cosmetic purposes. So I started to get VERY judgie. I was sure they were there CHOOSING to have SURGERY, I mean SURGERY, expensive, cut-into-your-skin-under-anesthesia-just-because SURGERY to 'fix' themselves.

As the doctor showed me the picture of my wound where the cancer had been removed and drew pictures of my options for repair, it was all I could do not to burst into tears right in front of him. I held it together until I got in the car where I completely lost it.

Now, I was quite stressed, tired, alone, and in pain. I wasn't exactly on my A game so give me some slack here. But as I drove home in tears (the hicuppy, breath-catching kind) it was not lost on me that I was crying over cosmetics. I wasn't really celebrating the removal of CANCER at this point.

I then launched into an entire thought sequence including how, "NOW it would be EVEN HARDER to get a guy to love me! (deep sob). As if it weren't hard enough before!!! (huge inhale). I have always struggled with my body image and now I have to have a FACE image issue!!! (audible throat gurgle). I'M GONNA HAVE UNEVEN, LOPSIDED LIPS!!! (wipe tears so I can see through the windshield). At least if I were married, my guy would probably have deep abiding love that would see past my small loppie lips!" Yes, I went there. Women's Movement be damned! I didn't have it in me to roar in this moment.

And then I got PISSED (here's the super judgie part, bare with me)

"And those stupid Draper moms, MAKING UP stuff to FIX on themselves!!! Blast them with their husbands and kids who love them! I bet their families could care less about their dumb boobs and noses and lashes and hairy legs and extensions and tummy tucks and ...........(I told you, I lost it).

The thing is, I have lots of friends who have had elective surgery and I've supported and encouraged them to do it if that's what they wanted to do. Hell, I'VE had elective procedures done. All in the VAIN (pun intended) of improved appearance. But in that moment, it all seemed really really stupid. And furthermore, I most likely got cancer due to the fact that for years I insisted on being flipin' TAN!!!! Appearance, appearance, appearance!

I think we're messed up. I'm not sure what do do about it. I still give a huge care what I look like. I judge other women a lot of the time because I'm actually intimidated by their "hottness" so I take them down a notch in my brain. At least if they're shallow, I deem myself to have the upper hand. See...messed up (and pretty self-righteous).

What's to be done? (picture me with an Eeyore head, hanging low and slowly swinging back and forth) The absurdity of it all.

Twas the Night Before...

Tomorrow night is Christmas Eve. I am certain I do not speak for every single person (pun intended) but for me, it is not an especially easy time of year. I think perhaps it is mostly because of the end-of-the-year reflectiveness.

For me, birthdays and new years usually mean some goal or hope or put-it-out-there mantra having to do with finding my other half. And as the next birthday nears or another year ends, I am faced with the looming fact that a period of time has passed with the unfulfillment of that hope. So I find myself a little pensive and it can sometimes translate as Grinchiness.

This season and most especially the next two evenings will be filled with a lot of family time. In my case, that means time with my brothers and sister who are all married with kids. I adore my family and would not change spending this time with them. Holidays just make me a little more keenly aware that I do not have my own family, more than any other Sunday night dinner or picnic in the park, etc.

I am acutely aware that my plight is small on the plight scale. I have everything in the world for which to be grateful. I have been made aware, as is typical of Christmas time, of how much I have and I do not wish to diminish or make light or take any of it for granted.

I saw a quote on Facebook that defined the feelings of this season well, “Isn’t It Funny That At Christmas Something In You Gets So Lonely For – I Don’t Know What Exactly, But It’s Something That You Don’t Mind So Much Not Having At Other Times.”

Most importantly and profoundly, I am grateful that in this season of my life (which seems to be lasting for lots and lots of seasons) I am aware of and have a relationship with my savior, Jesus Christ. And that he knows intimately the challenges of aloneness. I love the simple story of a little family in a stable, who I imagine felt very much alone on this night. Yet the big picture (the biggest picture ever) was that this little family was directly impacting the lives of EVERY human ever to exist on this planet. So although,in our current circumstances, we may feel forgotten or ignored or passed-over, our Heavenly Father is so intently aware and involved! AND... people and angels we don't even see are in the very process of progressing our journey. Aloneness is really just a lack of perspective, not by any fault of our own sometimes, just the way it is for a bit until we are ready to see the big picture.

SOOOOO...having maybe described a little bit how the END of the year feels, recognizing it, owning it rather than ignoring or trying to pretend it's not there... a future post will express how excited I am for the NEW year. The good news about the loss of old hopes is that some new hope usually springs up in it's place! It might be the exact same hope (so I guess it really isn't lost or dead) but it gets a rebirth, a shot in the arm, a breath of life. It's CPR for hope time! Yay!

Sometimes I think about other stuff too...

Today I stressed that I have only blogged about body image stuff and I must blog about something else so I appear to have well-rounded thinking (which would probably not be true, I bet 90% of my thoughts surround about 5 or less topics...sad, but it's probably true)

So here's some stuff I've been thinking about...

Dating/ marriage/ boys

Dropping out of "The Scene" completely and reappearing 30 lbs. thinner and transformed (I love make-overs, I've always thought this sounded like the funnest. It must be a Cinderella or 80's movie thing...Weren't those always the best!?!)

Money/ job/ following dreams/ doing what you love vs. paying the bills

Halloween costumes

Quitting Diet Coke (I heard something about J.Lo. giving it up and having smooth legs)

Sleeping more in the winter, I'm super tired lately, I think it's a hibernation thing

Making NOT going to Vegas my only 2012 resolution (I've been 4 times this year...ugh!)

Who's going to change it? I am.

Tonight I thought,

"Why do I care about changing everyone else's mind about our messed up, lame dieting mentality and obsession with skinny?"

I can't. I can change MY mind. I've been angry about diets and skinny-worship for about a year and a half now. Before that I was angry about not being skinny. I don't want to be angry anymore. I don't want to be mad that I can't get everyone to see it the way I do now. It's not my goal to change everyone anymore (which is a hard goal to give up because I'm very bossy and think I'm right about a lot).

I just want to be happy so...YAY, I get to be. I get to decide that. I get to decide if wearing a size 14 is the end of the world OR no big deal OR even kinda hot and sexy and curve-a-licious! I get to decide if I'm happy in my skin... if I want to change it a little... or a lot. But what I don't get to do is decide for everyone else. And if everyone else thinks I'm crazy or lame or lying to myself, THEY get to decide that.

I'm going to BE the change I want to see because, DAH, that's the only change I get to be or not be. It's the ONLY change I can make or not make.

This post is making me think to suggest watching the movie I AM and reading the book I AM. They're not related to each other but the messages are similar.

What are your ideas on this? Is there a good way to focus on what I can change and not worry so much about what everyone else thinks about it, even when it's not the norm?

Is it really supposed to be a fight?

Which of these looks more like you and your friends? Which is better? And who decides?

I read this quote in the book Women Food and God,

"You've got to be willing to believe that you were put on this Earth for more than your endless attempts to lose the same 30 pounds 300 times for 80 years."


Why are women so quick to point out what they hate about themselves? I guess if you hate something you fight it. You go to war with it.

I was on the Pinterest site searching "fitness" and noticed so many slogans promoting beating and belittling yourself into a smaller size. It's like a big war against ourselves. If YOU are fighting YOURSELF, it seems like you're going to lose by winning (and no, I'm not talking about losing weight). And what other worthy fights are we loosing because we're so distracted with this fight?

God created you. God created cellulite and stretch marks too. And in fact, in the case of stretch marks, those are usually a sign that a woman has given birth. So stretch marks are a sign that a miracle occurred. That's not perspective. That's a fact. This isn't some FAT POWER movement I'm talking about but really, why do we hate and fight what we are naturally?

I'm not saying you have to love those things but I do wonder why we have to apologize for them, why they make us "bad".

I'd like to hear your comments on what "fitness" and "health" messages are actually beneficial and motivating for you? Which ones leave you with a pit in your stomach or guilt and which ones don't? Am I the only one who's not motivated anymore by the "no pain, no gain..." mentality?

Mean Girls

I know I was put on this earth to learn humility but I also know I was not put here to feel worthless and be in a constant state of self-deprecation. Why then, does it seem like, for women, those things are assumed to be synonymous?

Women are so so hard on themselves and it is very much accepted as part of being a woman, almost expected. When groups of women get together, much of the conversation involves women tearing themselves down for the shape of their body,their short-comings, their mothering, their lack of just about anything they consider themselves to lack. If a woman comments on a strength or mentions something she is proud of, we think she's bragging.

What would it be like for women to openly converse about the things they like about themselves?

God created us. Yes, he expects us to be humble but he also expects us to be grateful. Shouldn't we be in humble awe of his creation? How is it humble to rip down that which he has created? How is it grateful to criticize one of his most miraculous creations...you?

Any great ideas on better ways to talk about ourselves and to ourselves? I'd love to hear how you block out the negative or emphasize the positive!

Since Birth

So apparently I was born chubby. I learned this when upon my first attempt at Jenny Craig, while filling out the required initial paper work, the form asked, "How long have you been overweight?". I somewhat sarcastically and somewhat honestly answered, "since birth".

I was about 16 at the time and my mom was sitting next to me. I'd asked to join Jenny Craig as a birthday or Christmas gift, I don't remember which. This was not my first "weight loss gift". I'd used my birthdays and Christmases in the past to acquire treadmills, gym memberships, work-out videos, etc. I've been supporting the 60 billion dollar diet industry since I was about 10 years old when I came to my mom in tears about something some kid had said about my weight, and my very well-meaning, problem-solving, mother suggested perhaps we look into Nutri-system. The poor woman was just going with what she knew... if one is unhappy with their weight, one goes on a diet. Makes perfect sense, right? What else would you do? I remember crying when she said it. There was a shame then, just as there always has been, in having to go on a diet. It's weird. I've felt shame for "needing" to go on a diet, shame for being on one and shame for not going on one. Basically, I've lived in a constant state of shame no matter what I'm doing or not doing.

So we were escorted back by my new weight counselor (she even had on a white coat...the Jenny Craig employee uniform)to the scales and then into a small office where she would conduct an interview. I was always so annoyed that the Jenny Craig counselors may or may not have lost weight themselves. Anyway, she read the "since birth" part and the three of us chuckled a bit. My mom later told me, that a pediatrician had told her when I was only a few months old that I needed to be put on some kind of baby diet. I guess they don't do this kind of thing anymore but regardless, I've been dieting since the very beginning of my life. It's ALWAYS been an issue, even before I had the mental capacity to know it was an issue and choose a course of action, the choice to diet was being made for me.

I always thought babies were supposed to be chubby.

Does anyone else have stories like this or thoughts about how your body image was shaped at a young age, good or bad? I would love to hear the good especially since I want to pass on the good stuff!