One Elementary Teacher's Thoughts on a Tragic Day

My mind is whirling with thoughts about the tragedy at Sandy Hook Elementary School.  Of course, I keep asking myself how I would protect my own kids if such a thing should ever happen at my school.  I can't even believe this is common enough to consider it anything other than an isolated nightmare.  It's a strange thing to have my thoughts jumping from rage and imaginations of how I would "take-down" anyone who tried to hurt my students.  I plot plans in my head about where to hide everyone and how to get them out fast and safe.  I vacillate between thoughts of utter terror, cowering in a corner with them, praying we're not in the line of fire and losing my ever-loving mind and going completely vigilante on the killer.  I know that's ridiculous but I fantasize the adrenaline being enough to take him down.  I just get so enraged at the thought.

I can't imagine the chaos!  We have drills for all kinds of possibilities... fire drills, earthquake drills, lock-down drills.  We have locked doors, security badges, passwords, secret codes, incident command.  But when it comes down to it, the panic, confusion and the chaos of over a thousand 5-11 year-old children sounds impossible to wrangle.  I once experienced a mild earthquake while teaching.  Every earthquake drill the kids and I had practiced went right out the window.  The kids could hardly hear my attempts at direction and calming amidst their own screams. So what might the shock and confusion of gun shots bring?

I've even wondered if I should have a Concealed Weapons permit.  Can you even imagine your child's teacher having a gun at school!?! And where? In her desk?  Is that where we're at??? I have images of using myself as a human shield, but I couldn't protect them all. It panics me!  I couldn't protect them all!

Then I think about my students who worry me because they already seem disturbed.  Is it possible things could be so bad or get so bad that someday they could be driven to inflict such tragedy?  What can I do NOW?  That gunman was a student in someones class just a few short years ago. Did someone see the signs?  Should I be seeing the signs?  Am I doing enough to reach out to that child? 

These thoughts leave me feeling helpless.  So once again, after the dust settles and time starts to heal the wounds, I will go about the business of teaching them.  I'll focus on math and science and history.  And as inevitably happens on a daily basis, I will experience the teaching moments that end up being so much more important than anything I present from the State Core. And over time I will think less about how to physically protect them and hope I'm providing a place for them to feel safe and happy and learn every day.

And WHEN (oh how I wish I could say "if") but WHEN this happens again,  I will be reminded that it could have been my school. I will stand, once again, in utter disbelief that my place of work has  become a common target for insane violence.

But tonight I will just pray for peace for those poor little ones and their teachers and parents at Sandy Hook.  I will pray that the kids and teachers who saw horrible things and the ones who were so scared will someday be okay.  I will pray for the families who lost.

I will remember to be so grateful to spend my days with little ones.  I will not take it for granted. I will have more reverence for the privilege.