I spent the last two days having skin cancer removed. It turned out to be a bigger deal than I had hoped, meaning they had to remove and repair a bigger portion of skin than I imagined.
While I was sitting in the waiting room at the fancy plastic surgeons' office, where I had been sent by my dermatologist, staring at eyelash-extension and skin cream posters, I was among many women who I believe were there for strictly cosmetic purposes. So I started to get VERY judgie. I was sure they were there CHOOSING to have SURGERY, I mean SURGERY, expensive, cut-into-your-skin-under-anesthesia-just-because SURGERY to 'fix' themselves.
As the doctor showed me the picture of my wound where the cancer had been removed and drew pictures of my options for repair, it was all I could do not to burst into tears right in front of him. I held it together until I got in the car where I completely lost it.
Now, I was quite stressed, tired, alone, and in pain. I wasn't exactly on my A game so give me some slack here. But as I drove home in tears (the hicuppy, breath-catching kind) it was not lost on me that I was crying over cosmetics. I wasn't really celebrating the removal of CANCER at this point.
I then launched into an entire thought sequence including how, "NOW it would be EVEN HARDER to get a guy to love me! (deep sob). As if it weren't hard enough before!!! (huge inhale). I have always struggled with my body image and now I have to have a FACE image issue!!! (audible throat gurgle). I'M GONNA HAVE UNEVEN, LOPSIDED LIPS!!! (wipe tears so I can see through the windshield). At least if I were married, my guy would probably have deep abiding love that would see past my small loppie lips!" Yes, I went there. Women's Movement be damned! I didn't have it in me to roar in this moment.
And then I got PISSED (here's the super judgie part, bare with me)
"And those stupid Draper moms, MAKING UP stuff to FIX on themselves!!! Blast them with their husbands and kids who love them! I bet their families could care less about their dumb boobs and noses and lashes and hairy legs and extensions and tummy tucks and ...........(I told you, I lost it).
The thing is, I have lots of friends who have had elective surgery and I've supported and encouraged them to do it if that's what they wanted to do. Hell, I'VE had elective procedures done. All in the VAIN (pun intended) of improved appearance. But in that moment, it all seemed really really stupid. And furthermore, I most likely got cancer due to the fact that for years I insisted on being flipin' TAN!!!! Appearance, appearance, appearance!
I think we're messed up. I'm not sure what do do about it. I still give a huge care what I look like. I judge other women a lot of the time because I'm actually intimidated by their "hottness" so I take them down a notch in my brain. At least if they're shallow, I deem myself to have the upper hand. See...messed up (and pretty self-righteous).
What's to be done? (picture me with an Eeyore head, hanging low and slowly swinging back and forth) The absurdity of it all.
