“I wish we could all get along like we used to. I wish I could bake a cake filled with rainbows and smiles and everyone would eat and be happy.”

Something weird  happened this year in my 5th Grade classroom.  I had some girls that actually WANTED to go to the principal's office.

My 11 year-old student, we'll call her Nelly (chosen purposely based on the antagonistic Nelly of Little House on the Prairie fame) asked if she could go see the principal.  I asked her,  "What about?".

She wouldn't tell me, she just said, "I just need to talk to her".

I explained to Nelly she needed to tell me her reason before I would send her.  Again, she refused to tell me.  I should tell you that this girl was not a stranger to the principal's office.  She'd been summoned there more than once this year based on parent requests regarding "bullying" and good 'ol Girl Drama.

After more back-and-forth between the two of us-- me reiterating my stance that I am the "gateway" to the principals office and Nelly firmly standing her ground with her silence,  she left that day in tears.

(Please note: at one point I even told her that if the issue was with me she could share and I would not get angry but I needed to know before it was addressed with the principal.)

After school I went down and relayed the incident to my principal.  She told me that several 5th-Grade girls, including Nelly, had attempted to come see her during lunch recess.  The secretaries had taken my same stance and asked the girls to "talk to their teacher first".

I was shocked!  Who WANTS to go to the principal!?!

Then it dawned on me.  IT'S ABOUT THE DRAMA!!!!  Talking to your teacher isn't nearly enough of a production!  It's down-right boring... been there - done that.  We already know how that goes... a 5 minute convo that ends in hand-shakes or hugs and promises to forgive, forget, and move on.  Short, sweet, and to the point?  Pah-leeeze!  Where's the theatrics in that?

I know girl drama is not a new-age concept.  However, I have noticed it getting worse and worse and happening between younger and younger girls.  I saw it when I taught 3rd grade (8 year-olds) and I have teacher friends reporting it as young as 6 years-old.

Sheesh!  Do we have the Kardashians and Honey Boo Boo to blame for this?  Has hair-pulling, name-calling fame become the end-all, be-all of female Right-of-Passage? Have these little girls discovered that attention is rewarded for this drama and the bigger the better?

If so, heaven help me.

One Elementary Teacher's Thoughts on a Tragic Day

My mind is whirling with thoughts about the tragedy at Sandy Hook Elementary School.  Of course, I keep asking myself how I would protect my own kids if such a thing should ever happen at my school.  I can't even believe this is common enough to consider it anything other than an isolated nightmare.  It's a strange thing to have my thoughts jumping from rage and imaginations of how I would "take-down" anyone who tried to hurt my students.  I plot plans in my head about where to hide everyone and how to get them out fast and safe.  I vacillate between thoughts of utter terror, cowering in a corner with them, praying we're not in the line of fire and losing my ever-loving mind and going completely vigilante on the killer.  I know that's ridiculous but I fantasize the adrenaline being enough to take him down.  I just get so enraged at the thought.

I can't imagine the chaos!  We have drills for all kinds of possibilities... fire drills, earthquake drills, lock-down drills.  We have locked doors, security badges, passwords, secret codes, incident command.  But when it comes down to it, the panic, confusion and the chaos of over a thousand 5-11 year-old children sounds impossible to wrangle.  I once experienced a mild earthquake while teaching.  Every earthquake drill the kids and I had practiced went right out the window.  The kids could hardly hear my attempts at direction and calming amidst their own screams. So what might the shock and confusion of gun shots bring?

I've even wondered if I should have a Concealed Weapons permit.  Can you even imagine your child's teacher having a gun at school!?! And where? In her desk?  Is that where we're at??? I have images of using myself as a human shield, but I couldn't protect them all. It panics me!  I couldn't protect them all!

Then I think about my students who worry me because they already seem disturbed.  Is it possible things could be so bad or get so bad that someday they could be driven to inflict such tragedy?  What can I do NOW?  That gunman was a student in someones class just a few short years ago. Did someone see the signs?  Should I be seeing the signs?  Am I doing enough to reach out to that child? 

These thoughts leave me feeling helpless.  So once again, after the dust settles and time starts to heal the wounds, I will go about the business of teaching them.  I'll focus on math and science and history.  And as inevitably happens on a daily basis, I will experience the teaching moments that end up being so much more important than anything I present from the State Core. And over time I will think less about how to physically protect them and hope I'm providing a place for them to feel safe and happy and learn every day.

And WHEN (oh how I wish I could say "if") but WHEN this happens again,  I will be reminded that it could have been my school. I will stand, once again, in utter disbelief that my place of work has  become a common target for insane violence.

But tonight I will just pray for peace for those poor little ones and their teachers and parents at Sandy Hook.  I will pray that the kids and teachers who saw horrible things and the ones who were so scared will someday be okay.  I will pray for the families who lost.

I will remember to be so grateful to spend my days with little ones.  I will not take it for granted. I will have more reverence for the privilege.

Mind the Gap

I'm at a funny place in life.  It's not an unfamiliar place but it's an uncomfortable place.  I've purposely created some gaps.  For example, I'm not drinking Diet Coke or eating sugar right now. These things have been making me "happy" for awhile now.  I've been learning about life through food and body-image challenges my whole life.  Only in the last couple of years have I decided to stop berating and demeaning myself, and get quiet and pay attention and frankly acknowledge that these things are not just here to plow through till I get to the magical wonderland of skinniness.  What are they here to teach me?  By "they" I mean, the cravings, the gains/loses of weight, the "ideals" of where I think my body would feel happiest or healthiest.

It's almost a cliche, but I really have been hard-core emotionally eating for far longer than I wish were true.  And trying to fill up emotionally on food has also filled up my clothes :(

But they say if you're going to deny yourself something you need some kind of replacement behavior.  I don't have one yet.  There is a big gaping hole and I have no idea what to fill it with and frankly I'm not ready to fill it, I'm allowing the hole to be a hole.

I kept thinking of it as "allowing the gap" when I was reminded of waiting in the underground Tube stations in London.  A British voice would come over the speaker system just before the trains arrived, announcing, "MIND THE GAP", referring to staying clear of the space between the platform and the train.  I always liked that, mostly because I like things said in a British accent.

So I'm "Minding the Gap".  No need to fill in right now.  In fact, on the days when I've "filled in" with french fries and potato chips, justifying because I am not filling up on sugar, I feel like crap.  I think there's something to allowing for a space,  just being with the emptiness, recognizing it and not panicking and trying to fill it in.  Then asking myself why it's empty, if it needs to be filled, and really being picky about how, when and with what to fill it.

The Mystery Box

J.J. Abrams: The Mystery Box
I watched this TED Talk today by J.J. Abrams, titled "Mystery Box".  He speaks about a box his grandfather bought him when he was a boy at a magic shop called the Mystery Box.  He's owned the box for at least a couple decades and has never opened it!  He then goes on to say he's been creating "mystery boxes" in his own writing and film ever since and pointed out how we as humans love a "mystery box" siting examples from such famous films as Star Wars and Jaws.  (Watch it. It's a cool talk).

So I got to thinking about the "mystery boxes" in my life, one of which is the mystery of my future spouse.  I have lots of friends with this particular mystery box.  We don't know what's in it.  But it's sure fun to think about.  Is he tall?  Does he have dark hair?  Is he funny?  Is he a good dad?  What does he do for a living?  Will he think I'm fantastic?  Where will we meet?  Where will we live?  How many kids will we have?

On the one hand, I complain all the time about not having the life right now that will answer these questions.  On the other hand, there is a certain degree of fear of having these questions answered.  What if it's not the answers I want?  How much control do I have over the answers?  What choices do I need to make to get the answers to be what I want? Will the answers that come as a surprise be pleasant or disappointing? 

There's something kinda comforting and exciting about NOT opening the mystery box. As long as it's closed, I don't have to deal with the possible negative reality that I've seen others deal with who have "opened" their mystery box.  I.E. He's annoying sometimes.  He sometimes ignores me.  He doesn't help with the kids.  He's a perpetual student.

But not opening the box leaves you wondering.  What if inside is: He's an awesome dad.  He takes care of me.  He is such a fun partner.  He makes life better than when I was alone.

I'm sure there are all kinds of mystery boxes.  The "What Will Become of My Children" Box.  The "What if I apply for This Job" box. The "Who Will I Meet if I Go" box.  I think it's interesting that I sometimes set up my life and make decisions to keep the box closed. There is a something so great and intriguing about the closed box. Keeping it closed let's me be safe and avoid potential disappointment or disaster.  But opening it... who knows...it's a mystery.

Don't Fence Me In

I am conservative. I am not a bigot, I am not a racist, I am not a chauvinist, I am not environmentally irresponsible. I don’t know if I am democrat or republican because I am not comfortable with either label. I do not need you to be wrong for me to be right or vise versa. I am at peace with many of my convictions and many are still works in progress. I am grateful that not everyone believes exactly as I do and I welcome respectful debate. 

I believe our greatest gift from our Creator is our agency, which gives us the power and right choose. I believe that whenever others compromise agency, it is tyranny. 

“Tyranny, like hell, is not easily conquered; yet we have this consolation with us, that the harder the conflict, the more glorious the triumph. What we obtain too cheap, we esteem too lightly: it is dearness only that gives every thing its value. Heaven knows how to put a proper price upon its goods; and it would be strange indeed if so celestial an article as FREEDOM should not be highly rated.”

Thomas Paine

http://www.ushistory.org/paine/crisis/c-01.htm

I believe the greatest sacrifice for agency and freedom was given with the life of Jesus Christ and that he literally saved us from an eternal loss of agency. I believe that within each of us lies a will to protect and defend that agency. 

I believe that each individual’s opinions, beliefs, and values are honored in a democratic society where we choose our leaders. Because of this, religion in politics is unavoidable as my beliefs inform how I will choose my leaders. I do not choose a leader because she believes exactly as I do but because she promotes the general welfare of our country. Our country was founded by people who declared independence and composed a constitution based on their belief in truth and in a Creator who “endowed” us “with certain unalienable rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness”. I believe, as they stated, “all men are created equal”. In my opinion, these statements were informed by both the secular and religious beliefs of those who wrote them. Even the framers themselves understood that the constitution was not perfect but after much debate, wrote it with the best of intentions and knowledge of the time.

“I confess that there are several parts of this constitution which I do not at present approve, but I am not sure I shall never approve them: For having lived long, I have experienced many instances of being obliged by better information, or fuller consideration, to change opinions even on important subjects, which I once thought right, but found to be otherwise. I doubt too whether any other Convention we can obtain, may be able to make a better Constitution. For when you assemble a number of men to have the advantage of their joint wisdom, you inevitably assemble with those men, all their prejudices, their passions, their errors of opinion, their local interests, and their selfish views. From such an assembly can a perfect production be expected? It therefore astonishes me, Sir, to find this system approaching so near to perfection as it does.”

Benjamin Franklin

http://avalon.law.yale.edu/18th_century/debates_917.asp

I am grateful that over 200 years later, our society more accurately reflects the equality they envisioned. 

I am extremely grateful to the brave souls, who despite unpopular opinions of the time paved the way for the civil rights we enjoy today. I would hope that the dedication of their lives would not be in vain, thus causing reverse discrimination to demean or diminish my right to believe as I do because it is currently unpopular. If I choose to abstain from sex until marriage, do not drink alcohol and spend a significant part of my life in worship, I would hope that my more liberal brothers and sisters would respect my right without assuming these choices make me naïve, ignorant, brain-washed or uninformed.

I am grateful to the women who stood up and spoke out so that I can live and work in society as I choose. I am grateful that their actions made it possible for me to pursue an education and career that supports the lifestyle I choose and the dreams I have for my family and myself. My belief is that the intention of the Women’s Movement was to ensure that women feel free, capable and confident to choose whatever path is right for them, whether it be as a CEO or a stay-at-home mom. I believe all of these choices are valid and respectable. I believe we honor and uphold the values of our sisters who went before us by supporting and uplifting each other now. 

I believe the earth is a precious gift and should be treated with respect. I believe we should be conservative with our resources. I believe the planet and its resources are available in abundance when cared for and used properly. No one group should have unlimited access to these resources and they should be responsibly shared globally. I also believe we are surrounded by brilliant minds and ingenuity that, if working together, can find solutions for how to best share, manage, recycle, renew, and protect our earth’s bounties. I believe, as we are taught in the Old Testament, that as humans with “dominion…over every living thing that moveth upon the earth”, we are the responsible beings on this planet for “multiplying and replenishing” her resources. 

I am conservative. I am not a bigot, I am not a racist, I am not a chauvinist, I am not environmentally irresponsible.

Taking My Happiness Power Back

I recently read the following blog post by Seth Godin.  I've been thinking about it ever since...

Seth's Blog: If your happiness is based on always getting a little more than you've got...

To whom or to what am I giving the power of my happiness?  Is it the guy who might like me when I look or act a certain way?  Is it the summer break that's only 8 weeks away? Is it the time when I am all caught up on my recent medical bills?

Wow! All these people and things seem to have a hold on my happiness that they don't even care about or even know about.  But I know about it.  So why not take it back? Why not, since I am actually the only one with the awareness of it, own my happiness... Take back the power?

And I do believe there is power in happiness.  It is the great purpose of my life on this planet, the reason I was created.  "men are, that they might have joy" (2 Nephi 2:25).  The purpose of our very being is in joy. 

"Physician, heal thyself."

I spent the last two days having skin cancer removed. It turned out to be a bigger deal than I had hoped, meaning they had to remove and repair a bigger portion of skin than I imagined.

While I was sitting in the waiting room at the fancy plastic surgeons' office, where I had been sent by my dermatologist, staring at eyelash-extension and skin cream posters, I was among many women who I believe were there for strictly cosmetic purposes. So I started to get VERY judgie. I was sure they were there CHOOSING to have SURGERY, I mean SURGERY, expensive, cut-into-your-skin-under-anesthesia-just-because SURGERY to 'fix' themselves.

As the doctor showed me the picture of my wound where the cancer had been removed and drew pictures of my options for repair, it was all I could do not to burst into tears right in front of him. I held it together until I got in the car where I completely lost it.

Now, I was quite stressed, tired, alone, and in pain. I wasn't exactly on my A game so give me some slack here. But as I drove home in tears (the hicuppy, breath-catching kind) it was not lost on me that I was crying over cosmetics. I wasn't really celebrating the removal of CANCER at this point.

I then launched into an entire thought sequence including how, "NOW it would be EVEN HARDER to get a guy to love me! (deep sob). As if it weren't hard enough before!!! (huge inhale). I have always struggled with my body image and now I have to have a FACE image issue!!! (audible throat gurgle). I'M GONNA HAVE UNEVEN, LOPSIDED LIPS!!! (wipe tears so I can see through the windshield). At least if I were married, my guy would probably have deep abiding love that would see past my small loppie lips!" Yes, I went there. Women's Movement be damned! I didn't have it in me to roar in this moment.

And then I got PISSED (here's the super judgie part, bare with me)

"And those stupid Draper moms, MAKING UP stuff to FIX on themselves!!! Blast them with their husbands and kids who love them! I bet their families could care less about their dumb boobs and noses and lashes and hairy legs and extensions and tummy tucks and ...........(I told you, I lost it).

The thing is, I have lots of friends who have had elective surgery and I've supported and encouraged them to do it if that's what they wanted to do. Hell, I'VE had elective procedures done. All in the VAIN (pun intended) of improved appearance. But in that moment, it all seemed really really stupid. And furthermore, I most likely got cancer due to the fact that for years I insisted on being flipin' TAN!!!! Appearance, appearance, appearance!

I think we're messed up. I'm not sure what do do about it. I still give a huge care what I look like. I judge other women a lot of the time because I'm actually intimidated by their "hottness" so I take them down a notch in my brain. At least if they're shallow, I deem myself to have the upper hand. See...messed up (and pretty self-righteous).

What's to be done? (picture me with an Eeyore head, hanging low and slowly swinging back and forth) The absurdity of it all.